Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep.

Seeing a pattern in there being a window of time each day where I often feel a bit...empty? Even though I often have "things to do" I generally feel like I would like more company in the hours after I get up, before I head out to the riding barn or to town.

This is when on some days, I would talk to people on the phone, and as I'm wondering if that part of my life is over, what I should do to fill that time with something else.

I did do cleaning and such. Laundry, the dishes, the cat litter, sweeping. Somewhere in there I often would sit and have a conversation.

I did spend 20 minutes doing a meditation, and that was pleasant.

Then I did chores, and after that I headed to the riding barn.

River did well today, but he felt like he was tuned out or sleepy or something, and it took some work to get him awake.

He did well ridden, with very nice transitions from the walk to the canter, from the canter down to a trot (something he doesn't always do well).

I stayed to work with one of R's horses named Caesar. I don't often work with him. He's very sweet, with big, soft eyes. I know all horses are like that, but him especially so.

R and I chatted through the lesson with the young woman with health challenges. The young woman is deaf and doesn't sign much while riding, so we chat.

R's daughter L has been accepted to a veterinary technician program to start next January, which gives her some time still at home to work, and gives R and K some time to get ready for the empty nest. I'll miss seeing L around too.

I went home and my Sweetie was returning Dandy to his people. He had been able to go to the climbing gym after work, and got home just before I did.

We took the truck to the mechanic's and I drove my car home. It will be nice to have it back. The truck is a great vehicle, but I find it harder to park and turn etc. because of it's size.

Then we ate and chatted, but it was already past his bedtime. He can sleep in a bit tomorrow, but that doesn't mean he's ready for bed.

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep. The new pillows are a bit big. Hmm.

My sleep though, was ended abruptly by the local mechanic calling. He had time to pop over and pick up the car if I didn't want to drop it off myself. He literally lives about two miles away from us, and it's nice that he was willing to do this.

I did have to get up quickly to empty the car, as I have all my riding gear in it.

Then he didn't show up right away, likely thinking he was being courteous by giving me more time. I did the thing of having to keep checking to see if he was there, and when he finally was, going outside and waving to him so he knew it was all clear for him to take the car.

So that's good. The last time we took the car in was wayyy back before Christmas. He said that the rear shocks and rear brakes would need work soon, not critical at the moment, but soon, so that's now.

I did talk with Sister E, and it was baffling as usual. She often latches onto some strange topic that isn't even that interesting, and worries it to death. Today it was more stuff related to the intricacies of dealing with her now deceased mother in law's pension documents from Germany, and how hard it was to get that sorted and pay taxes for her every year, and so on. This was a process that was an issue for over a decade at least, with all of it being in German. It sounded very stressful.

Then she brought up TW, and "she seems to be doing okay again", and even talking about this right away I could feel myself getting more elevated emotionally, because I felt like I had to defend my decision to not talk to TW, or even about her, for the time being.

I do have my appointment tomorrow with the counselor, and I'm hoping to unravel some knots in my emotions.

I felt a little bored today. In part just likely because it's winter, and it really drags on, though the longer days and change in the sun are noticeable.

I feel like there are just certain things that have been ongoing issues for a very long time. Like the mess in the basement, like all the clutter I need to always address, like my husband having little free time during the week, like being alone a lot, and not having a lot of true, valuable connection with other people. Like sometimes struggling for a sense of purpose.

It's good that I had a riding lesson, because that helps me feel like I'm doing something meaningful, it's exercise, it's working with R, and so on.

My lesson today was sort of a showcase lesson; R had a new potential client who wanted to come see a lesson.

I'm a bit on the fence when this happens. If I truly objected, I know that R would honor that, but a lot of times (this has happened a few times), I just show up for my lesson and there's someone there who's going to sit in.

It ends up not really feeling like a real lesson for me, it feels a bit performative, like I'm demonstrating for someone. There's a lot more discussion from R to the other person about "what Liberty is about" and "what is energy" and so on that we wouldn't do if it were my lesson.

We did at least go through some actual things that were my homework, but a lot of today felt like us being put through our paces for an observer. Showmanship.

It's a bit odd. Not entirely without benefits though, as it's almost like being at a show. You're all of a sudden aware of how you might look to an outsider, and trying a little harder.

Anyhow, River was an absolute gem today, doing everything politely and being a good ambassador.

It did make me aware of how remarkable it is to be able to work with a horse at Liberty, and to be able to ride him with just a bareback pad and a neck rope.

Then I almost went home wearing K's chore jacket, which is similar to my own. Ha!

I came home and my Sweetie had supper ready, we ate and chatted before he headed to bed.

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep, after not falling asleep easily.

The support pillow is comfy, the two new regular pillows are maybe a bit too big? We'll see.

Waking up to have my Sweetie in the house.

He made breakfast, I washed the dishes.

Then we went outside to do chores, and then to the pottery shed to assemble the shelving units. They weren't too tough to put together with two people, but would have been awkward with one.

Then I headed to the riding barn.

River did well today, good energy and focus. We worked on the four pylon pattern, and ridden work. He did well today to the right, stayed relaxed and didn't speed up, and when I rode a smaller circle didn't pull to the outside.

I saw K briefly, who expressed that he isn't a fan of going to Ikea, when I mentioned our trip yesterday. I wonder if it's really that it's crowded, or if it's because it's often crowded with people of diverse backgrounds. He's come across as being "ethnic adverse" a few times before.

I came home, returned Dandy to his people, and went inside. My Sweetie had supper ready because he wanted to be in bed in good time.

This week he changes to the new job site, which thankfully means he will be home at night still. It will mean learning a different drive to work, and he will be working Fridays again, so overall he will be working 48 hours a week. Sleep is going to be EVEN MORE important.

Sigh.

I haven't been talking with TW this week at all, since her declaration of the desire to die that pushed me over the edge.

No, I'm not "too sensitive", as has been suggested by some people in my family, who wonder why I let these things get to me.

The thing is, TW doesn't talk to them like that. She only seems to talk to ME like that. Probably BECAUSE I am sensitive.

The last couple of years has been very strenuous emotionally with regards to her issues.

It was only two years ago, give or take, that she was still living in the shitty trailer in an abandoned ghost town in the middle of nowhere, drinking herself to death THERE too. She no longer could shower or use the toilet in her trailer, so was forced to "do her business in a coffee tin and toss it out the car on her way to town", and to shower at some sleazy guy's place, or at Sister N's. She wasn't hardly worrying about doing laundry, or bothering to eat.

She would call me up, obviously drunk, and be like "I hate my life, I'll never get out of here, I hate being alive".

I tried seeing if social services would do a wellness check on her, but it wasn't in their jurisdiction (only in the city). The local fire fighters or police wouldn't go either. I was hoping that if someone saw how she was living, they would force her to get help, or condemn her trailer.

Finally she found a buyer for her trailer, though she kept talking like he wasn't offering her enough money for her treasure of a property. She had her adult sons come out and take truckload after truckload to the dump, or to take valuable things with them to use or sell (there were lots of tools, car parts, ladders, etc. from her deceased partner).

Then, she was able to move into the lodge in the town nearby, which meant a small but clean, safe apartment with other people around who were friends, and didn't have to drive half an hour to be in town for food and social activity.

Then THAT wasn't enough. She hated her small apartment. She was sick of her friends. She hated being in town and said she missed her shitty trailer because at least she had a big yard and could run around naked.

So she ended up in the hospital, mostly dead from drinking and malnutrition. I'm hazy on this, because I know shortly after this episode, she was back in the hospital again because she had issues with her liver or something...? I know it was twice. They kept her in for weeks at one point.

Then she was lucky enough to live, her sons moved her to a rent controlled apartment complex in the small city where it's close to the sons, and she could see them more often, which is what she said she wanted.

She was cleaned up from being in the hospital, was trying to see her sons regularly, was trying to go out and do things in the community.

Then she started drinking again this last time, and the same thing. "I hate my life, I don't want to be alive".

People have gone through hell this past two years (and to be honest, for her whole life) trying to get her out of that trailer and into safe housing, moving all of her hoarded stuff and dealing with her terrible attitude and her poor health. They've done everything they possibly can given the circumstances to make her life as good as it can be.

Without getting ongoing mental health support and attending AA, she won't ever recognize that it's just up to her whether or not she's going to find any reason to live.

This week has been odd for me. I won't say that I don't have my own issues separate from how her life affects me, but I don't even know who I am without feeling guilt and responsibility for her, and worrying about her.

I feel like this week has been...like I'm faking something? Pretending she's not there? Like I'm not fooling anyone by standing up for myself?

I didn't think about her much today, but I still did. The very act of trying to put someone out of your thoughts does mean you think about them, and I was thinking about how PEACEFUL it feels not to talk to her, and felt guilty about feeling okay.

I'm hoping that at some point, I won't feel guilty anymore for being okay. That it's okay to allow myself to be happy sometimes, and not think that I don't deserve to be happy sometimes.

To be okay with having a husband, our animals, and so on and that it is okay to have those good things in my life without feeling guilty for having it, and worrying that it might all come crashing down because of my arrogance.

I want to spend days at a time not feeling bad for TW or my other family, just living in the present around me.

To actually be able to not feel responsible for solving other people's problems, or feel obligated to take on their pain.

I do have my appointment this Thursday, and won't it be nice to have someone tell me that it's okay to let it all go. It's not my job. I don't have to feel bad for having good things in my life.

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep. My Sweetie fed the monsters so I could keep snoozing.

Later in the afternoon he headed to the city to climb.

I did chores, then headed to the riding barn.

River did well today, we even moved past the distraction of hearing the other horses being fed without too much fuss. He did still rush the trot to the right today, but was better after some work.

I stayed for the woman with health challenges' session. R's daughter L came too, to ride. I worked with Poppy the Pokey Pony today, and it was super frustrating trying to get her to trot while being lunged. I felt mean getting her going, but she FAKES it so hard. She can absolutely trot, but always makes like she cannot, and won't even walk with purpose. I honestly don't know if I've ever worked with a horse that was that lazy.

It was fun riding with L today, she is 18 and was telling me about going to the bar for her friend's 18th birthday. I think she had fun, though it was past her normal bedtime (seriously, she goes to bed around 8 pm if she can).

She gave me a small dragon sculpture she made, I think out of drying sculpture clay.

We all went upstairs to spend some time with the kittens, who are now more like fat little cats. They are now house cats, I think, but do still come to the barn loft sometimes.

L was teaching them how to spin for a treat, and the woman with health challenges got to do that with them.

I came home, and returned Dandy to his people. My husband got home around the same time.

I made supper for me, he ate soup, and we watched "Eastern Promises", which has the most incredibly brutal fight scene in a sauna, that made me flinch just watching it.

Today I am grateful for:

My decision to put the cats into their crates so that I could instead greet the day with peace after going back to bed for an hour.

Truly, the screaming for food is out of hand. It sucks to wake up to that noise every day, though I love the cats themselves.

I did laundry, put away dishes, filled cat water tower, etc.

I talked with friend D for awhile. She has not heard from her scary daughter for a month or so, and is enjoying the peace.

I wanted to talk to D about how she's doing, since we haven't really discussed that in a while. She's still in a great deal of pain from a pinched nerve in her back, and is now experiencing groin pain. She's got an appointment with her doctor next week, and she's hoping he's got some ideas.

I advised her to be persistent if he didn't, and to see if she could be referred to a specialist. There must be some kind of recourse for this kind of pain; it's going to pretty much ruin her life otherwise.

I let her know that we could help her with moving, though that won't be until March.

I enjoyed talking with her. She genuinely seems to care about what I have to say about things, and while we often talk about fairly heavy things, it's somehow not all gloom and doom.

I did chores, enjoying the nice temperature today.

Then I went to the barn for our lesson.

It was good, we worked on cleaning up our process and body language to do changes in direction while lunging, then practiced a pattern that will be in a virtual show in a few weeks, and River did well today being ridden, with not rushing the trot to the right, and not pulling from a smaller circle.

I'm also working on doing Liberty work with a much smaller whip (used mostly as an extension of your hand for communication) to see if I can do more with him with my body language.

Then I came home, and my Sweetie had supper ready (YAY!).

We ate, and talked about preparations for moving random crap out of the main area of the basement so it can get finished, and things going on at work (it feels weird to more or less walk away from a stalled but unfinished project this week).

Today I am grateful for:

Decent sleep.

Doing chores and enjoying the nicer temperature.

I went to town for pottery/groceries.

Pottery, for once, was undramatic, mostly.

I did put the smack down on a woman who works at the local women's shelter. She was talking about being annoyed with a woman who put down her pronouns as "She/Her They/Them", because it was "too confusing".

I didn't say anything at first, but this is not the first time this particular woman has talked about being "annoyed" by "political correctness" and gender issues. She says she's not annoyed by people who are gay, as they are still "shes" or "hims".

So I guess on some level, she's annoyed by gender politics.

She went on to say that she more or less argued with this person about her gender identity; "you look like a woman, you're dressed like a woman, you have long hair, you're a mom, wouldn't you say that that makes your pronouns she/her?".

My feelings? This person isn't going to have any issues stemming from this person's preference in pronouns, is she? She's doing intake information, she might not ever talk to them again. Also, it didn't even sound like you'd have any problem referring to that person as "she" OR "them".

So, I was annoyed, because this is something she's brought up a few times now, and she always seems like she's "feeling out the room" to see if maybe we would agree with her, and we could all get worked up about gender politics and pronouns.

Nope.

I spoke loud and clear. "It's really not that big a deal to just call someone by their chosen pronouns, is it? It seems like a reasonable thing, to address someone in the manner they choose."

She immediately back-pedaled, saying "Oh, I don't have a PROBLEM with it, it's just confusing that she chose both she/her and they/them". Yes, so confusing. So difficult to understand.

It's possible that the woman in question didn't quite understand, or maybe she's just okay being addressed in more than one way. Who cares? I don't.

I managed to throw one potential future vase, and took home a finished tea pot, the one with the odd glaze thing that worked out not too badly, even if it was not a deliberate choice.

Then I went for groceries, and I am very grateful to be able to do so.

I am noticing the longer days already, as it was still light outside when I got out of pottery.

I came home, and my Sweetie had just gotten home too. We brought in the groceries, and I made supper while my husband had one of his epic bathroom visits.

Is it all men? Why does going to the bathroom have the gravitas of meeting the queen, and take longer than some visits to the dentist?

My husband eats a LOT of fiber, and he drinks water. What gives?

We chatted for a while before he headed to bed, quite early tonight. To make up for the fact that he had to meet the queen halfway through last night.

Today I am grateful for:

Good sleep.

Okay timing to go to the city.

Cold outside, but not horrible. The goats can stay in again tonight, as it will be colder again by then.

After chores, we were on our way.

We did not have pressing errands, so it was nice to just do things at a leisurely pace for enjoyment.

We did stop in at one place for something for my husband.

Then we went to the big conservatory. It's year round, four big glass pyramids with different climate zones full of plants.

It's a very nice place to visit in January.

We took our time, which is nice. I recall on other visits feeling rushed. Today I wanted to just find a place to sit in them, and enjoy being there.

I absolutely love being among the vivid and interesting plants, the indoor water features.

I would LOVE to be better with house plants, and have a room dedicated to greenery. I have never had a green thumb, and I wonder if it's ever possible to improve.

After, we went to eat at a very nice vegan place that is on our rotation. We found out that it is closing later this year, as there is something going on with the building they've leased, and I guess they won't be just trying to move to a new location.

It's sad, because every one of these vegetarian/vegan places has their own special and unique menus. They try SO HARD to be different and interesting. When we lose one, we lose the "favorite dish" we had from that place.

This place has a wonderful appetizer that is battered and fried mushrooms done so beautifully.

From there we went to our book store, traded in a few things and came away with a few things.

Then we headed home.

We got home in decent time, and watched a movie called "Tell No One" that was pretty good, but had a VERY twisty plot and was pretty hard to follow.

Tomorrow Dan the carpenter is coming not to work yet, but to go over things with my husband and figure out where to start, scope of work, schedule and so on.

My Sweetie says they will need to get to our unfinished room upstairs, so I have to tidy up my craft stuff. Now. On zero notice. Sigh.

Well, at least Dan is coming.